Hesitations vs. Gut Feelings

Not quite doubting, but just having ever so slight hesitations about things. I mean, I'm not wanting to change my mind about anything serious, but I have this tendency to not trust my decisions, skills, work, etc--just about everything I do. And it's really exhausting.

I wish I could shrug off my suspicions and just trust my decisions, choices, creations.

How to do this? I'm not sure. I do know that I'm happy with my life, where I'm at, what I'm doing, who I am. Overall. Just that doubting whisper creeps in and lessens my excitement or passion for things because I'm not 100 percent certain that this is the right thing to do, or if this is the exact best way to word something.

And then I've been thinking. How do I know that there actually is a "right" choice with these decisions. Don't confuse my hypothetical life decisions or creations with ethical ones, I'm not saying there is no black and white with those things. That's not what I'm referring to.

But what if it's just choice A or choice B. I suppose that could be true, but then I find myself wishing I could see the outcome of each one, then make my final choice. Of course that's not plausible, but I think that's the root of my hesitations.

I can't feel sure of my choice because there "might" be another, better outcome. Exasperating!

In many situations where I need inspiration, I look up quotes on the topic online:

• "The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." -Sven Eriksson

• "Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong." -Peter Mcintyre

So maybe I need to stop doubting everything and just go with my gut feelings and hope and pray for the best. Stop looking around and start looking forward.

The Economic Monster

I landed back home in California in late May after finishing a semester at university. I arrived naively optimistic of finding a job and saving up for a car this summer. Now, after many filled out job applications and almost a month later I still sit unemployed and antsy in my parent's house.

The woes of this economy are being felt in every crack of our planet. From the CEO with a decline in his profits, to the little children who watch as their Mom and Dad are laid off and desperate. What will come next? We all wait in either dreadful or hopeful anticipation to see what will happen.

Then there are the desperate unemployed people like myself who turn to online jobs. A mystery shopper perhaps? Or maybe I'll get paid to enter things on Google? Sadly, these desperate times have also brought on a flood of filthy scammers milking the last pennies out of the already poor. We optimistically look for opportunities for income and instead are met with a surge of greed. In desperation many people have stepped out and been unmercifully scammed. Hundreds and thousands of dollars ripped from their pockets. Where do we turn when our world is falling apart around us?

Although I have tried everywhere looking for a job, the facts are that I am a student. I am only here for a few months. I don't have a degree yet. The summer jobs that returning college students or high school students typically get at this time are now overwhelmingly piled high with the resumes of the unemployed CEOs. Do we even stand a chance? The competition is outrageous, all I can do is sigh. Interviews which used to be single and reasonable are now done in groups with sometimes more than 30 people applying for the same job. How in the world will I ever find one?

The stress of this is all too common. I know that you have nodded your head at least once or twice while reading this blog. All we can do is continue to put our hearts into it and hope that maybe this next interview will be the one.

Flash Flood

About one week ago today, a flash flood hit me. A raging flood that knocked me off my feet. The contents? Not water, but information. 

I'm at Mission College in Oregon now, have been for just over a week. Wow, the classes here are so intense and there's never a moment when you shouldn't be studying! Even right now... but anyhow. =)

We went to Multnomah Falls yesterday, absolutely gorgeous! We've been learning how to prepare Bible studies, sermons, LE, etc. That's actually just a spec of what we've covered this first week of classes. I wish I could explain everything I'm learning because it's all really interesting and I'm sure you would all enjoy learning it too, but sadly I must go and study now. My test tomorrow is looming in my head and unmercifully taunting me.

A new page... a new start.

6:00 AM tomorrow morning, five hours from now, I will be leaving my home, moving on with my life, and turning a page to reveal a blank and crisp new start. 

Life is exciting when change is just around the corner and you can smell something fresh and intoxicating swirling your direction. My life is at such a point. I am heading on to a new phase in my life--college. Before heading out to university though, I am attending a program in Oregon for the fall semester. I have my own reasons for taking this detour and I am very confident that it will be worthwhile.  

I can't put my finger on what exactly is so intoxicating about change, but it gives me some sort of a high. I love new and unpredictable things, and at this time in my life a change is sorely needed. After returning home from boarding academy, life has been kind of eerie. It's almost as if I'm living in an era of my life that has long since died. I'm itching to begin a new age and focus on jump-starting fresh experiences. Friendships from my pre-boarding school days have become ghosts. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it merely feels as if I'm living in a ghost town, a haunted house if you will, of my old life. And it is not a pleasant experience. I am aching with anxious energy to begin writing my life out on a new page and flip the old one out of sight and mind.

Skydiving & 18th

I'm alive! Yesterday was my 18th birthday and for it I went skydiving in Lodi, CA. What an experience! It was so much fun and everything was awesome! The best part is right after you jump from the plane. It's one of the only times you can actually feel that you're falling; the rest of the time it just feels like a giant fan is blowing in your face. My instructor, an old guy named Mike, had been doing this for 37 years. I think that's the luckiest old guy I've ever met! What a job! He even taught me how to steer the thing. =) My assigned camera guy had a strip of blue hair and was very... interesting? Anyhow, it was an awesome experience and one that

 definitely made my 18th very memorable. I plan on doing it again sometime, if I can find an excuse. Anyone else having a big birthday soon? ;)  If you are considering it, I say go for it! You'll instantly be hooked.

(For more pictures, visit myspace/i_am_andy or my facebook.)

Snapshot of a Sandstorm

Sometimes I wonder odd things normal peoples' brains wouldn't ever dare to think about. Like why do humans have emotion? Why do we get attached to people/things? Why do people get married? What would have happened if Eve never disobeyed and ate the fruit? Why do some people get away with horrible things and others respect them when good intentioned people who lead questionable looking lives go looked down upon? Why do we have constant ups and downs? What's the point in making yourself vulnerable? Why do people lash out at others in the attempts of protecting themselves or making themselves look stronger? Why do we miss people, why do we have to "get over" them?

Above is just a snapshot into a sandstorm of my typical questions. Yes, I probably think too much. But seriously, I have so many questions that logic can't answer and since that's the only way for me to find solutions, it gets frustrating. What am I to do? My brain hurts and I'm suffering from the last listed question at the moment. Hm, I guess I'll just drift into my strange psycho dreamland now, I'm quite exhausted.

Psycho Dreams

Ok so I want to notify everyone that I'm going psycho. I'm dead serious. Ok so here's how it's going down:

I'm on this new med that makes me have craaaazy dreams. Like I mean, really weird. And the worst part? It all seems real! So when I wake up I have no clue if that really happened or if it was a dream. Reality and dreams are mixing for me. It's really annoying because I think I'm saying things to people and doing things that are based off of something I assume happened but really didn't. Yeah, so if I say something weird, just kind of roll with it, ok? 

My bed is right next to my window. The other night I had a dream (atleast.. I think it was a dream) that one of my friends woke me up by whispering something to me through my window. They were just standing there outside my window and everything felt so real. It was dark outside and I can't remember what they said, only that it was urgent and I needed to get out of my house. What did I do? I rolled over and went back to sleep. So I wake up in the morning and I'm all confused about if my friend was really there or if it was just another weird dream. I'm still not sure.