Bittersweet Perspectives

Hesitations vs. Gut Feelings

2011-03-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

Not quite doubting, but just having ever so slight hesitations about things. I mean, I'm not wanting to change my mind about anything serious, but I have this tendency to not trust my decisions, skills, work, etc--just about everything I do. And it's really exhausting.

I wish I could shrug off my suspicions and just trust my decisions, choices, creations.

How to do this? I'm not sure. I do know that I'm happy with my life, where I'm at, what I'm doing, who I am. Overall. Just that doubting whisper creeps in and lessens my excitement or passion for things because I'm not 100 percent certain that this is the right thing to do, or if this is the exact best way to word something.

And then I've been thinking. How do I know that there actually is a "right" choice with these decisions. Don't confuse my hypothetical life decisions or creations with ethical ones, I'm not saying there is no black and white with those things. That's not what I'm referring to.

But what if it's just choice A or choice B. I suppose that could be true, but then I find myself wishing I could see the outcome of each one, then make my final choice. Of course that's not plausible, but I think that's the root of my hesitations.

I can't feel sure of my choice because there "might" be another, better outcome. Exasperating!

In many situations where I need inspiration, I look up quotes on the topic online:

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." -Sven Eriksson

"Confidence comes not from always being right, but from not fearing to be wrong." -Peter Mcintyre

So maybe I need to stop doubting everything and just go with my gut feelings and hope and pray for the best. Stop looking around and start looking forward.

The Economic Monster

2009-06-15T13:41:00.000-07:00

I landed back home in California in late May after finishing a semester at university. I arrived naively optimistic of finding a job and saving up for a car this summer. Now, after many filled out job applications and almost a month later I still sit unemployed and antsy in my parent's house.

The woes of this economy are being felt in every crack of our planet. From the CEO with a decline in his profits, to the little children who watch as their Mom and Dad are laid off and desperate. What will come next? We all wait in either dreadful or hopeful anticipation to see what will happen.

Then there are the desperate unemployed people like myself who turn to online jobs. A mystery shopper perhaps? Or maybe I'll get paid to enter things on Google? Sadly, these desperate times have also brought on a flood of filthy scammers milking the last pennies out of the already poor. We optimistically look for opportunities for income and instead are met with a surge of greed. In desperation many people have stepped out and been unmercifully scammed. Hundreds and thousands of dollars ripped from their pockets. Where do we turn when our world is falling apart around us?

Although I have tried everywhere looking for a job, the facts are that I am a student. I am only here for a few months. I don't have a degree yet. The summer jobs that returning college students or high school students typically get at this time are now overwhelmingly piled high with the resumes of the unemployed CEOs. Do we even stand a chance? The competition is outrageous, all I can do is sigh. Interviews which used to be single and reasonable are now done in groups with sometimes more than 30 people applying for the same job. How in the world will I ever find one?

The stress of this is all too common. I know that you have nodded your head at least once or twice while reading this blog. All we can do is continue to put our hearts into it and hope that maybe this next interview will be the one.

Flash Flood

2008-08-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

About one week ago today, a flash flood hit me. A raging flood that knocked me off my feet. The contents? Not water, but information.

I'm at Mission College in Oregon now, have been for just over a week. Wow, the classes here are so intense and there's never a moment when you shouldn't be studying! Even right now... but anyhow. =)

We went to Multnomah Falls yesterday, absolutely gorgeous! We've been learning how to prepare Bible studies, sermons, LE, etc. That's actually just a spec of what we've covered this first week of classes. I wish I could explain everything I'm learning because it's all really interesting and I'm sure you would all enjoy learning it too, but sadly I must go and study now. My test tomorrow is looming in my head and unmercifully taunting me.

A new page... a new start.

2008-08-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

6:00 AM tomorrow morning, five hours from now, I will be leaving my home, moving on with my life, and turning a page to reveal a blank and crisp new start.

Life is exciting when change is just around the corner and you can smell something fresh and intoxicating swirling your direction. My life is at such a point. I am heading on to a new phase in my life--college. Before heading out to university though, I am attending a program in Oregon for the fall semester. I have my own reasons for taking this detour and I am very confident that it will be worthwhile.

I can't put my finger on what exactly is so intoxicating about change, but it gives me some sort of a high. I love new and unpredictable things, and at this time in my life a change is sorely needed. After returning home from boarding academy, life has been kind of eerie. It's almost as if I'm living in an era of my life that has long since died. I'm itching to begin a new age and focus on jump-starting fresh experiences. Friendships from my pre-boarding school days have become ghosts. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that it merely feels as if I'm living in a ghost town, a haunted house if you will, of my old life. And it is not a pleasant experience. I am aching with anxious energy to begin writing my life out on a new page and flip the old one out of sight and mind.

Skydiving & 18th

2008-08-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm alive! Yesterday was my 18th birthday and for it I went skydiving in Lodi, CA. What an experience! It was so much fun and everything was awesome! The best part is right after you jump from the plane. It's one of the only times you can actually feel that you're falling; the rest of the time it just feels like a giant fan is blowing in your face. My instructor, an old guy named Mike, had been doing this for 37 years. I think that's the luckiest old guy I've ever met! What a job! He even taught me how to steer the thing. =) My assigned camera guy had a strip of blue hair and was very... interesting? Anyhow, it was an awesome experience and one that

definitely made my 18th very memorable. I plan on doing it again sometime, if I can find an excuse. Anyone else having a big birthday soon? ;) If you are considering it, I say go for it! You'll instantly be hooked.

(For more pictures, visit myspace/i_am_andy or my facebook.)

Snapshot of a Sandstorm

2008-08-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder odd things normal peoples' brains wouldn't ever dare to think about. Like why do humans have emotion? Why do we get attached to people/things? Why do people get married? What would have happened if Eve never disobeyed and ate the fruit? Why do some people get away with horrible things and others respect them when good intentioned people who lead questionable looking lives go looked down upon? Why do we have constant ups and downs? What's the point in making yourself vulnerable? Why do people lash out at others in the attempts of protecting themselves or making themselves look stronger? Why do we miss people, why do we have to "get over" them?

Above is just a snapshot into a sandstorm of my typical questions. Yes, I probably think too much. But seriously, I have so many questions that logic can't answer and since that's the only way for me to find solutions, it gets frustrating. What am I to do? My brain hurts and I'm suffering from the last listed question at the moment. Hm, I guess I'll just drift into my strange psycho dreamland now, I'm quite exhausted.

Psycho Dreams

2008-08-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Ok so I want to notify everyone that I'm going psycho. I'm dead serious. Ok so here's how it's going down:

I'm on this new med that makes me have craaaazy dreams. Like I mean, really weird. And the worst part? It all seems real! So when I wake up I have no clue if that really happened or if it was a dream. Reality and dreams are mixing for me. It's really annoying because I think I'm saying things to people and doing things that are based off of something I assume happened but really didn't. Yeah, so if I say something weird, just kind of roll with it, ok?

My bed is right next to my window. The other night I had a dream (atleast.. I think it was a dream) that one of my friends woke me up by whispering something to me through my window. They were just standing there outside my window and everything felt so real. It was dark outside and I can't remember what they said, only that it was urgent and I needed to get out of my house. What did I do? I rolled over and went back to sleep. So I wake up in the morning and I'm all confused about if my friend was really there or if it was just another weird dream. I'm still not sure.

Marine Billboard

2008-08-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

So today I'm driving down this street and I see a big billboard with an ad for the marines. It said something along the lines of "We don't take applications, we take commitments."

Wow. How often are members of the Christian army handing God applications and running off before they give their commitment? Interesting thought, hu? I know lately I've been running the type of life that falls under the not-quite-committed category. It's so easy to forget that being a child of God means constant dedication. Too many of us just periodically check in with Him to keep Him on our good side so that in the chance we might need Him to answer a "Dear God, please....." prayer, He'll be willing. I know all too well how tough it is to keep your focus trained on God and keep it from straying after other temporary pleasures. We just need to remember that all He expects of us is our will. He will do the rest if we commit to Him our lives. Where do your loyalties lie? Have you sent in the application without the commitment? There's never a better time to start laying your life before God than this moment. It's worth it, just do it.

Future Plans

2008-08-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

In one week, I will either be dead or excited. Why? Because I'm going skydiving!

This summer has been relaxing and kind of boring at the same time. It's my first summer not working since I was 13? Something like that. I'm so used to a schedule that now that I don't have one I feel very antsy and lazy. But these feelings will vanish soon enough, August 15 to be exact. I'm going to a short intensive Bible training program called Mission College. I graduate from there November 22. What will I do afterwards? Well that's the question of the month.

I was planning on going to Southern Adventist University for the spring semester, however, people keep telling me I should come at the beginning of a school year instead. It's said to be difficult to jump in to university mid-year. So, my plans are in the process of revision. I might end up Bible-working for GYC and maybe ASI. That could be fun. I hear ASI will be in Arizona next year. Hot location as always, I wish they'd just spend the extra money to schedule it somewhere bearable.

Although I have no clue where I'm headed, I've learnt to be ok with that and to just take it one step at a time. I have nothing to worry about, because God knows the end from the beginning and has a certain particular plan for my life. Looking back on these past few years, I see so many times where God gently led me to one place or another. Each of these steps have molded my character and changed me so much, inside and out. I know that if God has done so much for me in the past, there is no way He is abandoning me now. I trust that something exciting and wonderful is in my future, I have no worries as long as God is my lodestar.

Perfection?

2008-08-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

Is it possible? I mean, it sounds like a real wonderful ideal, but is it really truly a realistic possibility?

I've been chewing on this concept of perfection this summer and it had me stumped until recently. I mean, I believe that God is able to do anything. I believe in Jesus coming to save us, do away with the guilt we deserve, and giving us a new start... but something just doesn't quite add up. If we, after accepting Christ in our hearts and repenting of our sinfulness, have His perfect life in place of our filthy one, then why do we keep on sinning?? It can't be His plan for us to live this life of constant failure and giving Satan the victory? It just doesn't make any sense to me. If temptation can be overcome every so often, why can't it be overcome every time it surfaces? Why, if we believe that all things are possible through Christ, are we convinced that it is unrealistic and impossible to stop sinning?

After studying this concept of a sinless life, I'm starting to come to a conclusion. As a wise friend recently explained to me, there is a hidden way of life that the vast majority of humans don't know about. This way of living has got me so excited I don't know what to do with myself. Let me explain...

Ok, so we all know the popular Adventist belief of God seeing Jesus' perfect life instead of our own, right? Well this belief conveniently allows us to just accept that we don't have to really try hard to live a sinless life, because Jesus took care of that. (note: I do agree with this belief, don't get me wrong, but I think there's another option out there.) So we go on with our lives. Ups and downs. You know what I'm talking about, the kind of life where you get so frustrated and so disappointed in yourself for continuing to do the things you keep swearing off. Isn't it tiring? Well that's where this new concept/option comes into play.

You know the story in the Bible about Naaman? The guy with leprosy who went to talk to Elisha for a cure? He expected a grand ceremony or something great and spectacular to happen and POOF! he would be cured. However, that didn't happen. Instead, Elisha told Naaman in 2 Kings 5 to go down the dirty, murky Jordan river and dunk himself seven times. Stay with me, I know you've probably already heard this story, but my point is coming. After Naaman feels humiliated and turns back around to go home, his servant convinces him to actually give it a try. So into the Jordan he goes. After seven times, he come up clean.

In the Bible, leprosy is a symbol of sin. There is no human cure for it and you slowly die. A miracle was the only cure. In this story we see Naaman give in to an unconvential method of healing. Nothing of his own power was required except His will power to give it a try. The seven times of going beneath the water symbolizes complete and perfect submission to Christ. Now, here is my point. Take these puzzle-piece symbols, put them together, and what do you get? The other way of living. If we, like Naaman, completely give ourselves to Christ and go "beneath" the waters and allow ourselves to drown to our own effort and stop splashing around trying to save ourselves, what would happen? Our disease of sin, like Naaman's leprosy, would be cured.

If we stop pulling our hair out with efforts to stop sinning, and just gave complete and udder control of our lives to God, what would happen? Yeah, you might be thinking you've already done this, but then why are you still sinning? We must realize that we cannot and will never be able to stop sinning. It is impossible for us to do! This life is not about me, it is not about my pleasure, or my reputation. It is about Christ. We have a Savior who will save us from death, but will also work out the victory over sin through us! He doesn't ask us to stop sinning by our own power, He asks us to allow Him to revolutionize our lives Himself. We must not focus on ourselves. Isn't that a relieving thought? But why don't we see this lifestyle of "sinking below the waters" more often? Isn't that what baptism symbolizes? Maybe allowing yourself to submit to drowning and trusting Someone else to save you as you sink into the dark depths of the water takes just too much trust.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
~ Matthew 19:26

We don't have to live on a roller coaster for our Christian walk. If we just stop having ulterior motives--stop focusing on self, and submit our full will to allowing Christ control, we can have a stable relationship with God and succesfully be the tool that He needs to help portray His true character.

The Beginning...

2008-07-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

Well here I am, a recent high school graduate and full of opinions. This is the start of my speculations, opinions, and perspectives put into blog-writing and flavored with the occasional photo. Enjoy!

This is a duplicate from my myspace/facebook blog but I figure it's a start atleast and I don't feel like typing something original at the moment. This one was originally entitled What It?

Sometimes we try so hard, pushing ourselves beyond what we know is practical, and yet we know deep down inside that our goal will always be impossible. These things rule and exploit our energies, although we know that we will never be satisfied while attempting them. We keep forcing ourselves to keep trying, knowing full well that we won't ever reach what is expected of us, or what we expect of ourselves, but somehow hoping that we can prove those gut feelings wrong. Sometimes, we stretch ourselves out so thin that our energies become too weak to even accomplish the quite possible. Then we suffer. For what is rightly expected of us becomes too much to bear, we fail, and disappoint ourselves and ultimately those we care so much about. What if we just stopped attempting those things that our minds whisper warnings about? What if we realized our limits instead of trying so hard to prove them wrong. What if? Wouldn't our lives become so much simpler if we just grasped the feasible tasks in front of our face and stopped jumping to reach the unattainable? Maybe we could finally feel satisfied with ourselves if we just focused on what we know we should be doing and what we know God wants us to do instead of what others expect of us. Maybe? I'm starting to think so.

That being said, there are exceptions for this don't push your limits idea. In the circumstance of Godly growth and what He calls for us to do, exceeding our limits is a usual must. However, when it's just about meeting expectations, a rule of rest after work typically comes into play. People get these two confused a lot and end up resting while God's trying to get them to do something else. They don't realize that a vacation from Christianity is not required because their energies are not their own but are being drawn from a Higher Source. Then they add to their confusion when they keep pushing themselves through humanity's expectations without resting, thinking that there is no time or need for it when this is where rest truly has it's proper place.

edit: this blog is directed at noone in particular, so please don't take offense. It's just a snapshot of things swirling around in my head. If I had something to say to you, I'd just right out say it, not post a blog whispering about it. That's lame.